(Yes I have a journal entry already of this but I thought I'd start a fresh one again and name it ' Part 1' This is essentially the first half of the book... Enjoy!


Ok, so I'm reading the book 'Twilight' and already I'm regretting it, and before anyone asks why I just don't put it down, it's becuase I don't like to leave books unfinished, even if they're awful.

So I'm at chapter 3 and the only thing I can think of to describe this book is...

Utter. Shit.

The main human girl whom I don't remember the name of (oh the irony) is just a complete Mary Sue AND just a total bitch to anyone who isn't pretty and that includes her parents (Oh you call them by their first names? Well aren't you a big mature and grown up emo child). That said the writer has made the people who try to be nice to her, act like complete simpletons so as to make it look like she has no reasons to be friends with them but since they're not pretty she can't even be bothered to remember their boring ordinary names. Of course she likes the looks of the ' erfect' students even though the ' pretty guy' she likes hates her guts... and then decides to be nice to her.

Did I mention she's also a smartarse? knowing all the stuff they're giving her in class because she did it before yet she acts like she doesn't need to go to school becuase she knows everything already. Perhaps she can just live with her dad and look after him becuase she's also an amazing cook but oh noes she's no good at sports, she's flawed! Though it's ok because everyone has her back and covering her so the ball won't damage her face that could be pretty if she wanted it to be but chooses not to because she doesn't want to stick out of the crowd.

So far I'm not impressed with this book.

However I do know that this may well be my worst book choice of 2009, though in the end it still doesn't beat the worst choice i made in 2008 (People of Earth DON'T read Daniel X, don't even TOUCH it, or if you do touch it, BURN IT!) and 2007 with Eragon (AKA the plot of Star Wars: A New Hope with a Dragon thrown in!)

My final thought so far (I'll probably be updating this after I've read more chapters) is that I want to slap the bitch after every sentence, well done. I've never wanted to do that to a character in a book before, in fact i'll finish this with the top ten things I would do with her if I got the chance.

1. Slap the Bitch.
2. Slap the Bitch.
3. Slap the Bitch.
4. Slap the Bitch.
5. Pause for a cup of tea, a chocolate covered biscuit and a musical interlude.
6. Slap the Bitch.
7. Slap the Bitch.
8. Slap the Bitch.
9. Slap the Bitch.
10. Slap the Bitch.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I couldn't read it! I really couldn't! It was horrible so I had to put it down for a week or two to get the poison out but it sucked me back in! I HAD TO READ IT! *WIBBLE!*

So anyway the words 'OH GOD IT'S ONLY THE THIRD CHAPTER!' sprang to mind.

This is where it started to actually have some sort of plot... possibly.

It's been snowing and Little Miss Bitch-A-Lot thinks she's so careful driving to school in the snow only to find out her dad put chains on her tires (HA! Take that you! Thinking you were so awesome with your driving! JOKES ON YOU! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!)
Of course she's all 'oh I'm not used to people caring for me moanmoanmoanI'msofuckingemo!' and fails to notice some idiot in the car park who, even though has lived FAR longer in this town than she has, was SPEEDING in ICE in a CAR PARK in WINTER!

so anyway the car comes towards her (out of everyone around) and I presume that she gets crushed and ohwaitno,there'smore...crap!

Nope somehow Edward appears out of no where and rescues her (and he leaves a dent in the car that no one questions)

she goes to hospital where she is checked out and she does her 'I'm fine! STOP LOOKING AT ME' speech and meets Edwards dad... who works in the hospital... as a Doctor... a Doctor who I assume has to deal with blood... blood that a vampire drinks and goes crazy over for... I'm assumming he's a vampire too... I hope they explain how he can stand blood later on... I should stop using all these dots... There's a recession going on afterall...

....

.

Anyhoo she leaves the hospital and who is in the waiting room? THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCHOOL BECUASE THEY WERE ALL WORRIED ABOUT HER!

GOD! It's like she's Miss Popular for some reason even though she only hangs around with the bloody nerds.

It does lead to the question as to what was the woman who wrote this book like when she was at school? I'm guessing she was a loner and this is how she wished SHE had been treated at school. *Fires up the Mary Sue Alarms some more*

Of course no one else saw Eddie save her and he makes her keep it a secret but the question is... why? And why does she now have an even bigger crush on him? Why does she now dream of him? And WHY am I still reading this? All will be revealed when I return later for another chapter… if I can actually survive another chapter!

Ok, I survived... Barely.

So she's now DREAMING about this guy she likes/hates/likes every single night now, dreams that are cliched liked... really cliched. Seriously, the ol' 'running after someone in the darkness but never reaching them is pretty much one of those things that's been done to death... and then revived as the undead.

Ugh, it's a month later and she's complaining about how she's the centre of attention again and the guy who nearly hit her, the guy who admitted he was driving too fast, the guy who was stupid enough to speed in a car park with ice on the floor, the guy who has lived in that town his entire life so should have bloody known this would happen, is trying to bang her along with the two other guys! (Because I'd fall in love with someone I’d almost squished into a fine gooey paste too)

Now bitch girl thinks she's special because she's the only one who notices Edward and no one believes he saved her. There's something about this line that really makes me think she's thinks she's perfect.

'No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.'

There's a big argument, the vamp and the bitch (that would be an interesting title for a book, I'll have to remember that) do this ‘I hate you but thanks anyway, ok now we're friends again’ crap.

Oooh and there's a dance! But bitchy hates dancing and once again aaaaaaaaaaaaall the guys are hoping she'll ask one of them out but she turns them down (because she can't dance, boo hoo hoo) and this builds up to another typical Mary Sue moment.

Bitch girl suggests to three girls that they ask the guys who have been bothering her to the dance instead, naturally this just makes her awesome because now all the girls have dates and she's helped them with their problems and now she's oh so wonderful and cool! (Typical Mary Sue)

Then there's more talking and Edward saying she shouldn't be near him (Even though they're planning on going to Seattle together) but she can't stop staring at him and feeling her breathe being taken away every time she sees him!

Now I'm not one for crudeness. I can't stand fart gags, or vomit gags or any other bodily humour gags (expect that ipecac scene from Family Guy, THAT was funny) but I really REALLY hope she gets her period around that Vampire, I really do, just so he can go nuts and just kill her already!

Moving onto blood, turns out she can't stand blood, goes all fainty at the smell of it (and she can smell it! Ooooh normal people can't usually smell it! What can this meeeeeeeean!) and apparently she has a lot of fainting spells (typical damsel woman)

There's also a part where Eddie signals her to move from her 'fan clubs' table and sit by him and you can just hear in her head 'so long losers! I get to be with my Eddie Weddie pretty bitty boykins now! I have no need for the rest of you! BWAHAHAHAAAA!' and her 'fans' are all pissed off with Eddie for 'stealing' her, because she's their awesome friend and there's no one else like her and without her their own lives are meaningless and empty and they'll diiiiiie!

And of course there's more talking and her trying to guess what he is and saying he must be a superhero and him saying he might be the bad guy and her replying 'oh no! Not you! You can't be bad! I shan't accept it!' and then they talk about her mom and how apparently mummykins is far far prettier than Bitchy McGee here (for fucks sake girl do you put yourself down in the hopes someone will give you compliments???)

And then Eddie goes off Camping.

And that's the end of the book.

Yay!

oh wait no there's a chapter six! Oh well, I'm sure there can't be THAT many pages left! Let's see, I'm now on page 95 and the book ends on page...434.

fuck.

*New update*

God this is pissing me off! FUCK PISS SHIT!

The story is getting worse and worse by the goddamn page and I'm finding it harder and harder to stomach.

Usually it only take me a few days to a week to finish a book, I don't believe in speed reading, but god it's taking me a month to read this and I haven't finished it, it's like homework, you keep putting it off and off and it gets worse when you do eventually pick it up and know it's something you really don't want to do.

So it seems that her friends are a little jealous of her being friends with Eddie, a little distant, no doubt to make them less sympathetic when Bell End finally dumps them and never speaks to them again and we never hear about them in further books which will probably be what happens because who cares about normal boring people?! Also one of them really doesn't like her now because SHE likes one of the idiots who's drooling over Bellbitch, even though Bella makes it clear she doesn't like him.

So off they go to the beach (Whoo! Beach trip! Whooooo!) but not Edward, he doesn't wanna go for mysteeeeeeeeeeeeeeerious reasons but low and behold if THREE guys salivating after the Mary Sue wasn't enough then a FOURTH one comes along, but it's ok becuase he's an old friend of hers and he's rather young... so it's ok to flirt with him! Yaaaay!

The kid tells clichéd vampires vs werewolves (hinting he's a werewolf himself) and explaining that Ed's family can't come to the beach because of some ancient pact that forbids them from going to, although the kid seems to think it's not true, but you can tell he's lying and she gets to thinking that maybe just MAYBE Ed's a vamp... but if here’s a vampire that means that he’s evil!
He can't be evil... can he?

And UGH! GOD! MONKEY TITS! We get ANOTHER Godamn dream sequence! ANOTHER ONE! And this one gets even stupider!

Edward is all 'trust me Bella! Truuuuuusssst meeeee!' and Werewolf boy is all 'Noooo! Bella! Run! Ruuuuuuun!' and attacks the vamp but then she's all 'nnooooo' herself but instead of being worried that the awesome werewolf is being hurt she's all scared that the bastard VAMPIRE is going to get hurt. (everyone knows the werewolf is more awesome)

So now she's all curious and wondering about vampires, hoping that there are some good ones, and after complaining about how slow the connection is in her town and how annoying all these popups are on her computer (hasn't she heard of pop up blockers?) and dismisses all the websites that are based on movie, roleplay and tv vampires (because none of those things EVER got anything right about vamps!) until she finds some site which describes every version and even though there were many versions of vamps that better described Edward and his behaviour she only takes note of the only type that says there might be good vamps. Boy is she deluded!

Now she is convinced that Pretty boy is a vamp but for some reason she doesn't want to stay away from him! Not because he's dangerous, not because he's a monster or his charm or wit but... because he's pretty!

Goddamnit, she seems to be in love with him only because he's fucking pretty and beautiful! That’s all she ever goes on about. I could turn to any random page in the book and I’d find at least one sentence somewhere on that page where she’d note how perfect and beautiful he is!

And so she does an essay (which she finishes because she's perfect and can write anything!) and then puts one of the guys who likes her straight and tells him that there's some other girl that likes him!

Stupid idiot man: Oh Gee wow Bella! You're right, someone else likes me! Wow I'm so amazed I didn't see this before! Gee I really like her too! I never realised before how much I like her! You're so awesome Bella! I'll stop liking you now because the plot isn't about people going after you now! blah blah blah!

And that's my fill for now!

You know what I'm going to do after I finished this book?

I'm gonna read a better book.

Mein Kampf perhaps? In German. At least I'll get more of a laugh from that.

Toodles for now!

*NEW EDIT!*

*Stuffs my head into a pillow* Why won’t it end? Why won’t it END?!

I'm sorry about the wait but I couldn't pick it up. This book is sickening to the core and no human should have to read it! I just feel it's my duty to read it for you!

I had a good day one day when I heard Stephen King saying that the Twilight Writer was a terrible writer! (I love you Stephen King just for saying that even though I’ve never read any of your books or seen any of your TV shows or movies based on them!)

But then Deviant Art keeps advertising a bloody sign saying ‘which Twilight character are you?’ and that’s reeeeally pissing me off! And you know what I was told yesterday that tipped me over the edge?

Someone said to me ‘Well of course you wouldn’t like it, it’s a romance for girls!’

Well I’m sorry but if this is for girls then I really pity the female sex!

But then again, maybe I should be the sorry one, because according to the next part all HUMAN men are evil lusty dogs from hell!

So here we go. The chapter where she finally admits that she knows he’s a vamp and that she’s in love with him.

Bella goes with some girls to go clothes shopping, not that she wants to get any clothes because she’s not going to the dance which she keeps pointing out again and again and AGAIN. (Why the heck are these people constantly trying to get her to come to this thing, what’s so important about it?! I mean I know the guys want her to go because they want to bang her but the girls seemed to just want her to come just so she’d be there! Maybe they need her to give them confidence while they’re going gooey eyed over the boys who are in turn being gooey eyed over Bella.) No, the reason she’s going with them on this shopping trip is to give them ‘advice’ on what to wear.

What? So now she’s a Fashion expert now too?

So she goes off and her own what happens? She gets ANOTHER bunch of guys going after her, though these ones are mildly worse because they want to Rape her! Or at least that’s what I got from reading it. Seriously why does every guy in this book want to get into her pants? Is this another one of the Writers fantasies that every man wanted to bang her even if it involved rape? Lady for the love of God get help!

But before they can do another Super Mr. Ed appears in his Vampmobile! He whisks her away aaaaaand after letting her ‘friends’ know she’s with him… takes her to dinner.

And this is where the book gets lower (Yes it can get lower than where it is already!)

Bella: Can you read minds?
Edward: Yup.
Bella: That’s how you found me and saved me from those mean old would be rapists?
Ed: Yup.
Bella: Can you read mine?
Ed: Nope out of everyone in the world, yours is the only mind I can’t read!
Bella: Oh noes! I’m a freak! I’m ever so sorry!
Ed: Don’t be, it just makes you special! Just like me because I’m the only one in my family who can read minds!

…

Jesus Christ on Toast! How stupid is that?! Out of all the people in the world it just HAPPENED to be her? And he just HAPPENS to be the only one himself that can read minds?!

God I hate Mary Sues…

Anyway it turns out he was keeping an eye on her for some reason because she's ‘A Magnet for Trouble’ I believe he calls her and knew he had to rescue when he spotted the eeeevil rapists and read in their minds what they were going to do to her.

And there’s more talking and shit, however my eyes started to bleed again at this point and all I could work out was the waitress was all flirty with Eddie and loathing Bella for being with him. Oh and Bella admired his arms and how wonderful and strong they were again.

Then as they’re driving back she admits she knows he’s a Vampire and she doesn’t mind. That’s right; tell him you know his secret in an enclosed space! Unfortunately for us he doesn’t do anything apart from tell us that all vampire stories and Legends are a load of crap.

EVERYTHING!

Oh apart from the good looks, blood sucking, immortality and superhuman strength and speed

Yes, I find that stupid too.

But it’s okay because it turns out Bella was right! They ARE good vampires! Yaaay!

And they don’t drink human blood! No, they drink ANIMAL blood and call themselves vegetarians as a sort of injoke between him and the other vamps.

HILARIOUS! HA. HA. FUCKING. HA!

There’s more talking (enough with the talking damnit! I know it’s a book and there’s nothing much else to do but God you two are boring!) and we discover that the reason he went after her because he was worried she might fall or get hurt or something (Oh yes, I forgot she’s so clumsy, of the poor flawed child!) and she admits that she was worried when he didn’t turn up at school after his ‘hunting’ session in the woods during the weekend. (Turns out he didn’t come the day he got back was because the sun was out)

You know, these teens go on a lot of camping trips and never come to school on days where the sun is out. That really can’t be helping them with their credits for attendance or whatever you Americans use to pass school with.

He leaves her at her home with a warning not to go into the woods. Apparently there’s things in there that was worse than him. Like the book ‘Daniel X’, plus lions & tigers & fangirls. Oh my!

But then horror! When she’s having a shower and doing other girly things, she realises something!

She’s unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him!

*Vomits*

In the next chapter Edward drives her to school where Bella’s boring normal human friend wants to get aaaaaaall the gossip between them and Eddie tells Bella to tell everyone they’re dating.

*slams head against keyboard* I hope you guys are appreciating that I’m actually still reading this book!

In Trig (What is Trig anyway? I know it’s Trigonometry but I never had to learn about it, nor did I have a class in ‘Government’. You Americans sure are Odd.) the other normal boring and horny male friend tries to find out what the girl that Bella set him up with thought of him, because Bella knows everything. Turns out she had a nice time. How lovely.

She then gives all the details of her ‘date’ with Edward to the nosey human and she admits that she does like Edward blah blah blah! Moving on into Spanish class she meets up with Eddie who she says he looks (And I’m not kidding about this) like a ‘Greek God’

I’m not even going to add anything to that.

So they go to lunch where she sits with him and leaves her boring human friends again to stare and glare at how she’s sitting him instead. We discover from Edward that eating normal human food to him would be like eating dirt! Well excuse me for not finding Blood a tasty Morsel either mister! Of course whilst this is happening she somehow finds the time to notice how wonderful and muscular his arms are… because we haven’t heard her say that before have we?

Oh and apparently Edward knows that ALL the males in the school were thinking the same naughty thoughts (ooooh those nasty evil men!) when she first moved to the school and he says this because she doesn’t realise how pretty she is and we get this charming little line from Edward ‘Trust me just this once – you are quite the opposite of ordinary’

*Puts hands to his face* I hate Mary Sues. I really do.

There’s then MORE talking in which Edward offers to take her somewhere and so he can show her what happens when he is exposed to sunlight (Oh please turn to dust, though that’ll probably not be the case).

We find out about their hunting patterns too when they kill animals, some prefer other animals to the others; one likes the taste of grizzly bears and Edward prefers Mountain Lions. (Mmmmm Mountain Lion… But they only do it in over populated areas to help out the environment. (Oh God… they’re worse than vampires! They’re Planeteers! VAMPIRE PLANETEERS!!!!)

She wants to see him hunt but he won’t let her!

Wow, you want to watch this guy you’re in love with rip a mountain lion to shreds and then feast on the blood within in an animalistic trance? You have issues lady!

During ANOTHER class where the lights are off because they’re watching a film and she feels the deep urge to just touch his perfect face and do stuff to him right there in the class. God this is sickening. I really hope you people appreciate what I’m doing for you reading this so you don’t have to!

In Gym the horny guy warns her that Cullen looks like he just wants to eat Bella (Smirk) which leads to more talking. Yeesh.

This book is killing my will to read. It really is!

The next morning Charlie asks if the reason she’s not going to the dance is because no one has asked her. Well apart from the fact it’s the girls who ask the boys to this one HE’S NOT EVEN GOING! WHY THE HELL DOES HE CARE ABOUT THIS ONE SINGLE DANCE???

WHY DOES ANYONE?!

But Cullen picks her up anyway and drives her to school asking her all these questions on the way. (They like asking each other questions) One of these questions is asking what her favourite colour is and low and behold in another one of her ‘I’m noticing everything about Edward’ moments she admits that her favourite colours is whatever colour Edwards eyes are at the moment. That’s right. He has mood eyes! (Blegh) They change with his emotions and no one at school seems to have noticed this but then it sounds he never showed emotion before Emo Girl showed up.

And there are more questions and school and stuff and more questions etc etc and then her hangs out at her house until the werewolves… I mean Charlie’s friends who we don’t know are werewolves yet (even though it’s fricken obvious) show up and Edward legs it because they shouldn’t know that he’s hanging around with a human. The head Wolfie just tells her ‘to be careful’ all mysterious and such but come on she was stupid enough to get involved with him in the first place so she’s pretty much suicidal at this point!

Back to more school stuff followed by Pretty Boy telling Emo Girl that he’s off hunting again so as he doesn’t get tempted to rip her throat out whilst he’s alone with her the next day.

Oh and if you were thinking there wasn’t enough talk about the upcoming dance in the book already you’re in luck because the horny human boy returns to brighten our day by asking her AGAIN to the dance and… ohhhhhHHHHHH FOR GOD SAKE SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GO TO THE DANCE YOU STUPID TWAT! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK HORNY SKULL ALREADY!

No no wait… I shouldn’t be angry with the dumbass, it’s the writer that I should be angry with! She does this on purpose, making them as annoying as possible to both Bella and to us as the reader because that way we start to hate the humans (and eventually ourselves for being human) and despise and loath how simple and stupid and utterly worthless they are so we will want to be more like the godlike and perfect and beautiful vampires… who kill people and drink their blood!

Nothing much to say around the next bit with the conversation she has with her dad about what she’s going to be doing at the weekend apart from her doing the unthinkable.

No it’s not her telling him that she’s in love with a beautiful killing machine no it’s something even more mindboggling!

She calls him ‘Dad!’ *shock!*

So now it’s the day of the ‘Date’ and Charlie (yes we’re back to calling him that) has gone fishing and Bella and Edward are free to go walking through the woods with lots of walking and talking and more and more of Bella noticing how Godlike and perfect he is (I wish I was making it up that she talks this much about his body I really do but she really does do it on almost every page in this book) until they get to a hill where the sun is shining and with a deep breath Edward closes his eyes and steps out into the sunlight and what happens?

Well…

I’ll leave that till next time.

But until then I’m going to go vomit and then cry myself to sleep over how this book is ruining my life.

This is Tom the Reader saying ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover, until I Judge it for you!’